“After 40 years of counseling predominantly women, most women want the courtship starting at the moment they wake up in order to want sex later. That's called the subtle sexual field. That's the glances, that's the sweet compliments, the helping with whatever the help needs to be. That's the touching of the hair or the holding hands or looking at a beautiful erotic movie together. There's 100 different ways to create a subtle sexual field so that by the time you're doing an actual genital act, everything up to that is the courtship and the seduction. That's called the subtle sexual field. And what I've noticed is, if people want a lot more sex, start the sexual subtle field in the morning. By the time you get to whatever time it is, most people are going to be really eager if they've had all that kind of attention.
Here’s what I would say: When you're not in bed, when you're out to dinner, away from the house, choose a night, choose an afternoon, and just say, ‘What are ten ways I can be more seductive for you? And what are ten ways you could be more seductive for me?’ Let me emphasize that everyone that's in a pretty good relationship would like to have more intimacy. Not everyone wants sex, but they want more intimacy. And intimacy is based on these subtle, pervasive actions throughout a day. It barely happens when you've been kind of cruddy to each other all day, but now let's have sex. I think partners have to look at this as a joint effort. You've got to find out, ‘What are your ten ways I could be more seductive? What are ten ways you could be more seductive for me?’ Because you both have that exact same goal: more intimacy.”
“Not everyone wants sex, but they want more intimacy. And intimacy is based on these subtle, pervasive actions throughout a day.”
Want more? This is an excerpt from a longer convo with Jennifer Freed, PhD — listen or watch here!